Hello, students. This is Professor McCormick.
It has come to my attention that some rumors have been spreading about my relationship with a certain student who is enrolled in a certain Philosophy 690 course that I certainly instruct on Tuesdays and Thursdays this semester. If you have received this email, then, ostensibly, you are a student enrolled in that course.
That certain student, who for now will remain nameless, happens to be one of my best students. She is an overachiever.
Lately, some students have been posting obscene messages (all of which are 100% Malarkey) at Philosophy 690â€™s online discussion forum about a certain studentâ€™s â€œperformanceâ€ in the course.
That twaddle is deplorable.
Those students who have participated in spreading rumors online, about a certain student and I â€œdoing the dirtyâ€ in my office after class and on furlough days, will be severely punished.
As an example of how to abuse blackboard and fail Philosophy 690, here is what Gary Archibald Stevens (flunky student ID# 8686868686) had to say during yesterdayâ€™s online discussion:
â€œAtta way! I toootally knew you were a chill professor, Dr. McCormick. I thought (name removed) was souuuper prude. Boy, oh boy, did you prove that wrong! LOL! ROFL! LMAO! Mad props, brosef! Tell me something: how was it, doc? I didnâ€™t think (name removed) had it in her. I really didnâ€˜t. Did youâ€¦â€
Thatâ€™s enough. You get the idea. Obviously, that post has nothing at all to do with yesterdayâ€™s assignment. And secondly, had Hobo Pancakeâ€™s â€œGrammar Hammerâ€ worked on that thread, Archibaldâ€˜s post would have been demolished. I mean, really? You donâ€™t know how to spell â€œsuper,â€ Archie? Moron.
Now, I have something to say to Archibald and the other students who have been spreading claptrap about a certain student and me â€œdoing the dirtyâ€:
You will fail, fail, fail this course and then you will burn, burn, burn in hell. That is, if you survive until semesterâ€™s end.
Sincerely banging only my wife,
Jason Henry McCormick, Ph.D.