The Random Thoughts of Jason Henry McCormick

Random Thought: Facebook Chat

BIRD: haaay bitch! what’s crackin?

YOU: same shit, different toilet. what up pimp?!

BIRD: OMG, LOL, ur funny, bro. yo, my burfday partys gonna be sooo sick!!! theres gonna be like 8,000 pabst blue ribbons and like a bunch of dank.

YOU: word? A str8 gangsta party?

BIRD: yeah, bro, its gonna be off the hook!!! and the best part is, ive invited a whole pack of random sexy bizzles, and theyre all crazy horny, bro!!!

YOU: rad. random bizzles??? We dont know them?

BIRD: nah, bro, i met them on spacebook, bro!!! anyway, the partys gonna be a hipster theme, so make sure u wear some jorts (jean-shorts) and a v-neck or something wicked like that, and make sure u rock a sweet hairdo – frohawk it, bro! the shits gonna be at my spot, and the shits gonna be the shit, so cruise over with ur a-game this saturday. around noon, k?

YOU: k. ive got the denim doubled up, there’s an epic jacket and some awesome jorts somewhere in my room. oh, ill rock some badass Tivo’s, too.

BIRD: hip! im gonna wear this funny biker wallet chain attached to a pair of righteous jorts that matched a denim vest, and ive got a fake mustache too, bro! whatchya doin now, bro?

YOU: chilling.

BIRD: boring. loser. boredom sucks brosef. I got some dank, u wanna cruise over and puff some dopey dope?

YOU: idunno bro, im pretty tired and lazy and sleepy bro.

BIRD: yawn. lame. don’t be dull and annoying, bro. comeon, im all alone over here. ive got the bomb and im lonely bro!

YOU: OO====D fu, bro. ur crazy emo weird. aight. fine. ill cruise over. hey what r u doin tomorrow? i checked the surf, bro, and theres a cherry swell rollin in!!!

BIRD: i know, its gonna be fantastic hot bro! sounds fockin gnarly bro! I saw that shit on the news and im excited, bro! im down, we’ll get fishy and fire off a few tubes fur sure.

YOU: aight im on the way way right now, ill be over in like thirty. u got a funny cigarette already, or should i bring the binger?

BIRD: yeah i already copped a funny ciggy and troop with the binger bro. ill peep ya when u cruise, ima bounce, peace.

BIRD IS OFFLINE.

YOU: what?

Random Thought: Fred

Nobody has ever seen the bird called Fred, but everyone has heard his chirps. He comes around in the springtime, between two and five o’clock in the morning. Is he invisible? Perhaps.

To the ear, he sounds like this:

“Pchew. Pchew. Pchew. Pchew. Ringeringeringeringer. Drrrrret! Pchew. Pchew. Pchew. Drrrrret! Karrrrrat ta te! Pchew. Pchew. Pchew. Pchew.”

But in your heart he sounds like this:

“Where? What? Who? Fuck? Is that a bird? Shhhhhit! Oh my god. It’s four o’clock in the morning probably. For chrissake. Did that bird just say karate? That Goddam/fucking/silly bird is sooo ______ annoying!”

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