Annals of the Flesh: Like Tucker Max, But Less Date-Rapey

“RE: Gorgeous grrl lking for smthing casual”
by Jeremy Clymer

From: lusciouslady69

Sent: Monday, March 29, 2010 8:59 PM

To: funguy79

Subject: RE: Gorgeous grrl lking for smthing casual

Hi! U sound totally hot LOL. If u want 2 see more of me check out my pics on my hot new website: [redacted].

ll69

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From: funguy79

Sent: Monday, March 29, 2010 8:57 PM

To: lusciouslady69

Subject: RE: Gorgeous grrl lking for smthing casual

Dear lusciouslady69,

I am writing in response to your Internet personal ad, “Gorgeous grrl lking for smthing casual.” There are several things that caught my eye about that ad besides the colorful play on spelling in the title. First was the alliteration in both the title of the ad and in your nom de plume. This gives me the impression that perhaps you are literary-minded like myself. I imagine an attractive, older woman reclining on a lounge chair on her patio, reading the works of Byron, Keats or Whitman. I find this very alluring.

I hope you don’t take my use of the word “older” the wrong way. I simply mean older than myself.  You see, I was born in the year of our Lord 1979 and I imagine by your pseudonym that your arrival date on the planet Earth was on some day roughly one year prior to my own. I ve always had a thing for older women, though, so that does not put me off in the least.  In fact, it only increases my desire to connect with you.

I was being light-hearted in my use of the phrase â”in the year of our Lord.” I mean, I’m not a religious fanatic or anything of the sort.  I am a Lutheran and, yes, I make a habit of attending the local church on a somewhat regular basis (although I’m sure not nearly regular enough for my dear mother, for whom piety is a full-time occupation).  However, I consider myself a fairly open-minded individual and I’m certainly not averse to having a relationship with someone of differing religious beliefs.  I even briefly dated a Catholic in the reckless years of my youth.  Mother did not approve of that relationship, I can assure you.  I’ve always been my own man, though, even when I was mostly still a boy.

It was refreshing to come across someone looking for a “casual relationship.” Too many these days are so rigidly formal in nature.  They all seem to follow the same blueprint:  first come the early, uncomfortable days in coffee shops, restaurants, movie theaters, etc.  Then maybe after a few months you start introducing each other to your friends and family.  Now you’re calling each other at odd times of day, like a phone call on your lunch break just to say “hi.” Perhaps the man stops in unexpectedly at his female companion’s place of work with flowers for no reason other than to win her continued favor.  They do picnics in the park, graduate from movies to the symphony, and have made their first forays into physical contact past the obligatory polite kiss goodnight at the end of a date.

I can’t say that any of my own relationships ever got much further than that, but one can predict the steps that follow:  some combination of moving in together, getting married, having two and a half kids.  The exact sequence of these events used to be set in stone, but times have certainly changed.  Who knows WHAT may come first now. At any rate, these stages in a relationship have so far been out of my reach.  I wonder, if I may be so bold, what manner of relationships you have experienced having had ten more years than I in which to do so.  Have truly long-term and meaningful relationships been elusive to you as well, or have you perhaps been married but since divorced? Please know that I would not judge you for it were that the case.  I daresay it might even be beneficial to the chances of a lasting relationship for one of us to have had that sort of prior experience.  What better way to know how to avoid future mistakes that could lead to a similar dissolution of relations?

Did you know the ancient Greeks considered love a physical malady, like a head cold or stomach virus?  I wonder:  if that were the case, could you build up an immunity to its ill effects?  In other words, if you’ve previously contracted the love virus would you exhibit milder symptoms the next time you come into contact with it?  Symptoms like jealousy, distrust, suspicion- would they be diminished? That is a pleasant thought.  Perhaps there would be hope for an inoculation against such things.  Of course, we would have to be careful not to inoculate against the more beneficial symptoms of love- passion, altruism, interpersonal bonding. Can you have the good without the bad? Perhaps that is a tall order.

But I digress! I apologize if the wanderings of my mind have led to too much wandering of my words. I find it hard not to wax philosophical about the nature of love, because in the end what could be more important? Perhaps this is all a bit much to include in an introductory email but I feel it’s important to present as much of one’s self up front as possible.  Why hide who you are?  It only leads to surprises later on, and oftentimes those surprises can be quite unpleasant.

Take, for instance, the brief dalliance I once had with a fellow student at the small, liberal arts college where I obtained my undergraduate degree. Her name was Lisa and she was a computer science major with a fondness for role-playing games.  We bonded over a game of Dungeons & Dragons; it was my first time playing but she had been doing it since high school. She may not have been conventionally pretty in the blond-haired, blue-eyed cheerleader sense, but she had a bookish charm to her that I quite liked. I remember she wore these glasses that made her eyes look gigantic, like  some girl in a Japanese cartoon.  It was quite adorable. Anyway, I was still rather inexperienced when she and I started dating and based on her timid mannerisms I assumed she was, too.  We dated for roughly two months with little physical contact save for the occasional hug or light peck on the lips, so it caught me quite off guard the night she let it be known that she wished to engage in intercourse with me.  To use a well-worn analogy:  we had not yet been so far as second base and she was proposing to hit one out of the park.

I am not ashamed to say I did not turn her down.  Sure we were unmarried but does anyone really still cling to the antiquated notion that one should wait until after marriage to consummate a relationship?  Not being Catholic, I have no moral qualms with contraceptive devices; so, I went to the local pharmacy to buy the very best in protection, arranged for my roommate to be gone the next night, and invited Lisa over.

When she arrived at my dorm room the next day, Lisa was wearing an outfit I had not seen her in before.  She was dressed in a leather skirt so short it barely covered her pubic area and a shirt tight enough to surprise me with the revelation of how ample her breasts were compared to how I had previously pictured them (for men are visual creatures and I had been visualizing that part of Lisa’s anatomy since we first met).  She had snuck in a bottle of peach Schnapps that had been purchased for her by an older friend, and although the school’s zero tolerance policy toward underage drinking concerned me I agreed to partake of the beverage with Lisa so that we could both, as she put it, “loosen up a bit” (that phrase seems a little ominous in retrospect).

My memory starts getting a bit fuzzy after that, no doubt due to the influence of the alcohol, but at some point after listening to some favorite rock band of hers on my stereo system we began to kiss.  Things escalated from there as I rounded all the bases, to return to our previous baseball metaphor.  I recall fumbling a bit with the removal of clothes, both mine and hers. Then, when all seemed to be going remarkably in my favor, she whispered a rather lurid request in my ear.

Now I think that I’ve shown with my retelling of this episode from my past that I am no prude.  A man has to draw the line somewhere, though, and I firmly believed (and still do) that making love to a woman in her posterior is just plan unhygienic.  Keep in mind I’m not talking about merely engaging in “doggy style” coitus, to borrow a popular slang term.  No, Lisa’s intention was for me to penetrate her rectal orifice.

I apologize if the mere mention of this makes you blush or causes offense.  I can assure you I have the same reaction.  I feel the need to relate this story to you, however, both as an illustration of the sort of surprises one ought not to find in a relationship and as fair warning that I am not into that sort of devious behavior.  It’s not my wish to condemn those that are.  “Laissez faire,” I say.  But that does not intend to make myself a part of it.

So there you have it, Ms. Lusciouslady69:  a little bit about myself.  I would love to learn more about you, too.  Perhaps when you are confident enough that I am a trustworthy individual we can meet for tea and coffee somewhere and get to know each other outside the confines of these zeroes and ones.

Warmest Regards,

Funguy79 (A.K.A. Richard)

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