Letters To The Editor

Dear HP:

WTF? You’re gonna give this twat his own weekly column? Who the hell is Jason Henry McCormick? I thought only serial killers used three names. You might want to keep your eye on that bitch, knowwhatimean? (familywatchdog.us) He is mildly amusing; I see why you might want him.

But who you need is Jennifer Hanna, with credits all over the internet, most of them worth the two minutes of your life you might otherwise never get back. Jennifer Hanna knows how to deliver the addiction-free lolz. You can probably trust Jennifer Hanna not to embarrass herself or your journal since she got that out of her system years ago, and anyway, had a different name back then.

Let me know if you’re interested, and I’ll hook you up.

Signed,

Person Who Knows Jennifer Hanna

Dear Person Who Is Totally Not Jennifer Hanna,

You can join the Hobo Jungle party, too; we know that you blog with the best of ’em.  How about some horoscopes?  The people love their pseudoscience, we hear.

Sincerely,
The Hobo Pancakes Team

 

To whom it may concern:

I am an anthropology PhD student, working on a dissertation that examines the lives of homeless breakfast and brunch foods. The focus of my research is on the so-called “boxcar flapjacks” of America: those bands of pancakes which travel from town to town by freight train, bartering odd jobs for maple syrup. I came across your website over the course of my research, and was delighted see that others are chronicling the tales of these vagrant but noble griddlemen. I am enclosing a photo with this message, which I took during my field research outside of Poughkeepsie, NY. The subject of the photo, who called himself “Boxcar Jack,” was hopping a train to New York City in the hopes of finding work as a Denny’s menu model. It’s truly inspiring to see a pancake travel so far, and fight so hard, for such a dream. I hope that it brings you inspiration for your work, and that you share it with others.

Sincerely,

William Poor

Dear William:

Excellent work, sir!  We thought the noble study of “boxcar flapjacks” had been relegated to the dust heap of academia, like phrenology and women’s studies before it.  Please keep us updated on developments in your research- we’ll be on the lookout for Boxcar Jack the next time we order a Grand Slam.

Sincerely,

The Hobo Pancakes Team

Submit to this:

No pay- no play;

So, hey- go away!

DrGKovacsFL@[domain name redacted]

Dear DrGKovacsFL:

Unfortunately, your colorful epigram did not make the cut for this issue’s “Iambic Ixplosion.”  We do hope that you will keep submitting–perhaps as you troll craigslist, looking for posts to flag, you will strike upon a more interesting conceit than the fact that we lack the resources to compensate our Hobo contributors.  Good luck selling that scabies-infested mattress!

Sincerely,

The Hobo Pancakes Team

To the Editor:

I can write coherent sentences and be humorous but can’t do both concurrently.

And I can’t sustain the humor, so sustainability is out the window.

Good luck with your magazine!

Bernie Silverman

Dear Bernie:

We are heartily sorry for your defect.  Thank you for taking the time out of your busy humourousness schedule to coherently explain why you have never submitted anything to Hobo Pancakes.  We won’t lie, we were kind of worried.

Thanks, also, for the good wishes.  As Seneca said, “Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.”  So we’re probably screwed.

Sincerely,

The Hobo Pancakes Team

I AM MR MIKE NASRI THE CHIEF AUDITOR IN CHARGE OF FOREIGN REMITTANCE UNIT OF CENTRAL BANK AND I HAVE HAD THE INTENT TO CONTACT YOU OVER THIS FINANCIAL TRANSACTION WORTH THE SUM ($4.2Million USD) FOR OUR SUCCESS.

THIS IS AN ABANDONED SUM THAT BELONGS TO ONE OF OUR BANK FOREIGN CUSTOMERS WHO DIED WITH HEART RELATED DISEASE ALONG AGO.

YOU HAVE THE ABSOLUTE AUTHORITY TO CLAIM THE FUND HENCE YOU ARE A FOREIGNER AS SOON AS YOU REPLY, STEP TO FOLLOW IN ORDER TO FINALIZE THIS TRANSACTION IMMEDIATELY WOULD BE DECLARED TO YOU.
I EXPECT YOU’RE URGENT COMMUNICATION.

YOURS SINCERELY
MR. MIKE NASRI

Dear Mike:

Yes, we are urgent communication!  You expect correct.  We guess the only way to get your attention is to strike down one of your bank foreign customers with heart related disease and wait for you to notice.

Seriously, though, that 4.2 million USD would come in really handy right about now “we could pay our Hobo contributors and get that scabies-infested mattress we’ve been dreaming about.  We anxiously await your reply for the step to follow to finalize the transaction.  There’s only one, right?  We’re really, really lazy.

Sincerely,

The Hobo Pancakes Team

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