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“Something About Sustainability”
by Kelly Anneken, managing editor

So I says to Isa, I says, “Look here, fucknut.  I’m leaving the Bay Area, possibly forever, and I don’t care who knows it!   Fuck you and fuck the online absurdist literary journal you rode in on!”

So Isa says to me, she says, “You damn well better have 600 words on sustainability before you skip town or I’m going to trade one of your kidneys for the freedom of a humanely trafficked Ukranian prostitute.”

Now.  I’ll put up with a lot of horseshit in order to shirk my responsibilities, but those Ukranian pimps put a lot of time, effort and chloroform into securing their ownership of those sex slaves and I will not allow my kidney to have any part in negating their contribution to the international black market.  So I’m going to chug this bottle of Tanqueray I bought with Isa’s debit card after I stole it and spin a yarn all about sustainability.

Don’t be expecting a whole bunch of facts, though, because right at the top, the Wikipedia entry on sustainability tells me “This article may be too long to read and navigate comfortably,” and I’m very uncomfortable with being uncomfortable.   Despite the article’s longness and my increasing drunkenness, I’ve managed to surmise the following. “There is abundant scientific evidence that humanity is living unsustainably, and returning human use of natural resources to within sustainable limits will require a major collective effort.”

Stop the electronic presses.  Effort? Good, old-fashioned elbow-greasing effort?  Not on my watch.  Apart from the impending loss of a vital part of both my endocrine and urinary systems, the only reason I’m writing this is because I can do it one handed, lying on my couch, swilling at will from a 750 mL bottle of imported gin.  And you know what?  If I dropped the bottle right now, I wouldn’t even clean it up,I wouldn’t even slurp it up off the floor with my mouth because it would require me to get up off my couch.

Unfortunately, it looks like achieving a sustainable human presence on Earth is going to require a lot of couch getting-up-off-of.  We have to go back to old-fashioned, medieval-type farming.  We have to practice sustainable architecture, which will undoubtedly lead to some dickheads bringing up Ayn Rand for no reason.  There’s something called “permaculture,” which sounds absolutely terrifying for a commitmentphobe like yours truly.  Where are we, as a culture, as a nation, as a planet, going to find the energy to perform all of the hoeing and architecting and permanenting we’ll need to do to change the world?

My vote is copious amounts of Adderall and cocaine.  I’ve never done them simultaneously, but one time I sneaked one of my baby brother’s Adderalls and presto!  I cleaned my room, did my homework and ground my teeth for six hours, hella fast!  The time just flew by!

Imagine how much we could all accomplish under the influence of speed!  It’s no wonder Obama hasn’t gotten anything done.  He’s probably just trying to drink and smoke his way through this presidency like every other world leader in recorded history.  I voted for change, so why can’t he just change from Marlboros to meth?  Michelle won’t complain; her husband will finally have the energy to run the free world and still fuck like the stallion he is every night.  In addition, meth makes people super violent and emotionally volatile.  Obama’s going to need that if he wants to make any of this sustainability shit actually happen, because he is probably going to have to gun down a bunch of Republicans to even get to a cloture vote, which is something that Isa tells me I would know about if I went to a fancy college in our nation’s capital like she did.  (Good thing I stole her wallet — that should help keep that uppity, Parliamentary-procedure-spouting bitch in line.)  But the point is, it’ll take effort — just like me, those fuckers won’t get up off their couch for no reason.

As always, the answer is drugs.  Just ask a Ukranian pimp.

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