Salute Our Shorts: The News In Brief

Nashville Flood Victim Uses Dogs as Flotation Devices
by Patricia Mitchell

In the violent May floods, many Nashville residents had to make difficult, split-second decisions to survive. Jason Whittier, 26, did just that when he fashioned a raft out of some twine, a golden retriever, and two Yorkshire terriers. The success of the raft depended largely on the compliance of the dogs. The golden retriever, according to Whittier, proved the easiest to coax into formation, but “the yappy little [terriers] did what you’d expect of [terriers],” he said. “They kept running off, and I couldn’t get a hold of them.” Asked to describe the pain of choosing between his life and that of his dogs, Jason Whittier said, “They weren’t my dogs.”

by David Martin

 

El Presidente Calderon Build Up That Wall!
by Paul Lander

Today Mexico announced it was going to build a wall to keep Americans out of its country.  Mexican officials said the wall would be built before Spring Break, stating, “Those damn American college kids, they drink all our tequila, destroy our hotel rooms and puke all over our beaches.”  In support of the wall, NADA (or “œNo American Delinquents Anymore”) cited a report that stated after a filming of “Gringas Gone Wild: Cabo San Lucas,” Mexican men were twice as likely to leave their girlfriends, not frequent church and try to sneak into the U.S.  “Damn Gringas showing their breasts!  Enough is enough!” said one angry NADA official.  American officials said they’d have nothing to say until they finished reviewing tapes of “Gringas Gone Wild: Cabo San Lucas,” “Gringas Gone Wild: Acapulco,” and “Gringas Gone Wild: Tijuana.”

Scientists Agree Al Gore A Cause Of Global Warming
by Paul Lander

A major study on Global Warming sponsored by Coppertone has come to a startling conclusion.  Although most scientists concur that Global Warming is occurring, all agree it has gotten worse since Al Gore began speaking about it.  Professor Olaf Samuelson of the Oslo Institute reports in his study “Hot Air and Al Gore Go Hand and Hand” that each time Nobel Laureate Gore speaks, writes a book or releases a documentary Global Warming increases.  In fact, when the documentary “An Inconvenient Truth” was released in theatres, cities all over the globe reported their highest temperatures on record.  According to Dr. Samuelson, the former V.P might be responsible for 120,000 severe case of Sun Stroke, 340,000 cases of overcrowding at beaches, over 1,000,000,000 BTU’s of Air Conditioning used, and the rise in stock prices for Baskin Robbins.  The former Vice President was unavailable for comment.

Paul Lander is a partner in the website iJoke.com.

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