Screams & Grumbles

“Dating Form”

by Scott Erickson

 

Dating Form

 

“Author’s Note”
by Louisa Casanave

For anyone who’s ever cried during the end of a Gene Kelly musical, Brigadoon specifically, who’s ever walked into a hair salon, slapped double the going rate on the cashier’s table and asked for something intentional, no questions asked, who’s bubbies had gas at the Basquiat exhibition at a modern art museum, and when the spectators asked their dates “Who IS that woman?” You dead-paned “my grandmother” with squinty eyes for those women who have ever put out a bonfire by peeing on it, those women who have ever had a noticeable orgasm in public because they were looking at an un-requited love for those men who have told a friend or relative of mine in strict confidence about a lump on their balls, who I somehow know about for Nicole Kidman’s nose, for that security officer at the New Orleans Airport four years ago, the one with the mullet, who confiscated my four bottles varied hot sauce in my carry-on because I didn’t have the necessary Ziploc bag, who saw my newly purchased Jolly Pecker (a plastic incarnation of the head of a Caucasian penis that stands on two little red feet and, when wound up, hops on those little red feet) and thought it was a dildo, for anyone who has ever had an uncontrollable fear or fetish for feet, asking their roommates or lovers to please remove their socks or put them on for Christ’s sake, for any one who, as a child, ever smuggled a chocolate bar in their pants, only to forget about it, and who got made fun of for years, as the “poopie-pants-poopie-eater,” for my relatives, my great, great uncle, the antique collector, who’s rooster-lamp became my favorite story when I was young, for my great, great, great grandfather, who DID NOT win his wife a card game, for whoever sold my brother-in-law-to-be that anime, telling him it was a customer favorite, because he gave them to me as a graduation present, and when I watched it, it became clear to me, six minutes and 43 seconds in, that it was, indeed, hentai, for those that I have mentioned, thank you.

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