Institute of Follicular Study Releases Hair-Raising Report
by Paul Lander
The Institute of Follicular Sciences recommended, whenever possible, when one gets hair extensions made of real human hair one should consider the added, but worthwhile, expense of having a DNA test done on the hair. A spokesman stated, “You really want to make sure it comes from an actual human donor. Trust me, one poor woman thought she was getting a full head of Korea’s best locks. However, it turned out, somewhere in Missouri, a Newfoundland named Pickles spent two months with an underbelly that looked like a reverse Mohawk. The only way the poor woman found out her extensions were 100% Newfoundland was when a neighbor’s Maltese jumped on her noggin and tried to mate with her newly bought extensions.” In a non-related matter, the Institute also warned people with Swedish extensions find themselves starting every sentence with the word “Ya” for no apparent reason.
Paul Lander is Producer/Consultant for XM/Sirius’s “Hey, Get Off My Lawn”.
NATIONAL SECURITY ALERT: Report to Your Bunkers!
by Janice Arenofsky
Given the extremely combustible international situation–Madrid subways beset with unwaxed linoleum, Middle East inhabitants disenfranchised of voting rights and credit cards, and a polluted China saddled with an embargo against cheap exports and struggling with slanderous accusations of watching Western TV –the Department of the Homeland Byways and Back Roads urges all American citizens to hunker down in their bunkers.
Ideally your bunker is situated near a strip mall or hospital for easy access to budget shopping and psychotropic drugs (you may need both “comfort” categories if things don’t go according to Homeland’s preferred scenario of “Shock and Awe,” which will be discussed in future emergency alerts). In the event, however, that you were unlucky enough to receive a high number in the bunker lottery, which may indicate that your underground location is less than perfect (beneath septic tanks, port-a-potties or sewage lines, for example, or adjacent to demolition centers, cemeteries or airports), please do not cry or whine about quality of life, luck of the Irish, cyanide pills and the like. We at Homeland do not countenance threats of suicide or the Second Coming, and it’s too late for bribery or implementing the euthanasia override. Furthermore, the federal relocation program applies only to felons, high-school dropouts and immigrants who entered the country more than 25 years ago but still can’t speak their native tongue. Unless you qualify for this program, your family on the whole stands a better chance of surviving nuclear war, ethnic genocide or any other man-made holocaust or unnatural disaster if family members remain calm and shrug off any inconveniences such as drooling, itchy crotches or third-degree burns.
Should you wish to exchange your bunker for a high-rise condo near the water, please list all real estate on Craigslist. But a word of caution: Not all members of that one-percent of the very rich are endowed with integrity, so run any imminent switch-er-oo past your accountant or lawyer. Let them decide whether you made out like a bandit or were robbed of your hard-earned blue-collar wages or welfare dollars.
Also, the DHBB reminds all bunker-oos to supply their safe McRooms with sparkling water, NASA freeze-dried munchies and solar batteries. Continue to recycle through the nuclear winter by segregating CDs, DVDs, GEDs, JDs and MVDs from re-usables such as tp, rsvp, ddt and wmds. Continue to pursue the sustainable life style even though you may doubt its sanity. Remember, we’re only as happy as the degree to which our positive attitude motivates us to get on with life, find closure or tweet. Whatever.
This fully funded federal agency wishes not to panic the citizenry, but one of our highest paid employees (we reserve the right not to publish Andrew’s name, but he does accept voice mail after 9 a.m) failed to push the red button above the medium-sized coffee pot in the lunch room, which unfortunately delayed the execution of our fail-safe, digitally-enabled warning system. As a result, for a little while in the History of the World, Andrew was the only person to know our country was under siege and also a little low in Kleenex. But by now everyone except people in movie theaters, hospitals and 747s, where cell phones are prohibited under threat of losing all your minutes, knows that our national security has been jeopardized by nuclear weaponry located somewhere in the South Pacific–maybe the Philippines, Tahiti or one of those other godforsaken islands where fishermen in flimsy boats are always drowning during typhoons two miles off the coast.
The Agency does not have an exact fix on where these weapons of mass destruction stem from, but we’re thinking that with a little world cooperation and all of using our GPSs, we should have the location real soon. Of course if we had a little world cooperation, we might not be in this jam to begin with. We might be in another kind of jam, but not the kind frequently accompanied by vaporized bodies and apocalyptic films. In any case, if you or any other person in your bunker thinks you know the exact location of said nuclear weapons, please call 555-1212-1234. Ask to speak with Bob.
It goes without saying that the Agency will disavow all knowledge and negative consequences if this Bunker Alert fails to get you off your butt and into your bunker. Good luck and may the force be with you!