Annals of the Flesh

“Ask Papa Ratzi”

by Pope Benedict XVI

 

Infallible advice from the Vatican’s very own love doctor!

 

Dear Pope,

My boyfriend said that sex would be the most beautiful thing I could do and if I really loved him then I would sleep with him.  I kind of thought he was lying to me because my friend Christina had sex with HER boyfriend and she said it wasn’t really beautiful and she felt like she was a Thanksgiving turkey getting stuffed (she had sex with her boyfriend on Thanksgiving, that’s why she was thinking like that, but then when I had sex with Damon I kind of thought that it made sense even though we weren’t having sex on Thanksgiving!).  Anyway Christina is still together with her boyfriend Randolph, and she said the sex gets way better once you do more of it, BUT once I had sex with him two times Damon left me because he said the sex wasn’t good enough!  How am I ever going to get good at sex if my boyfriend leaves me right after we start doing it and we don’t ever have any time for me to practice and get good????

Sincerely,

Monica in Minneapolis

Dear Monica,

Being “good at sex” is not a skill to cultivate with a boyfriend.  Being “good with God” is where your efforts should lie; once you are established in your relationship with God, He will guide you towards a husband with whom your sexuality will develop beautifully.  

Also, always remember, sex is not for pleasure, it is for baby-making and baby-making alone.  If Damon has left you, then you must embrace the opportunity to NOT have sex until you are married and procreating.  In this fashion, Damon has given you a gift; and although your future husband may resent this Damon, for getting there first, you must remind your future husband that if not for Damon leaving you, you might never have left behind your secular ways of the flesh.

Yours in the Eucharist,

His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, formerly Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, Defender of the Roman Faith

 

Dear Pope,

I don’t really know why I’m writing you.  I’m Jewish, for one thing, and an aetheist.  But — okay, so, you also run a large institution, which is both popular and widely loathed at the same time.  How do you deal with it?  Psychologically, I mean?  When people make fun of you on “Saturday Night Live,” how do you not cry to your girlfriend?  Shit, dude, you don’t even have a girlfriend to cry to!  How do you live with all the pressure?  Every time I make a single change on Facebook, the world goes nuts and wants to kill me.  What’s a guy to do?

Sincerely,

Mark Zuckerberg

Dear Mark,

The Catholic Church does offer a solution to your problem, and it is simple: do not change anything. Ever.

Seriously.

Yours in the Eucharist,

His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, formerly Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, Defender of the Roman Faith

 

Dear Pope,

Fuck you.

Signed,

American Female Religious & Also Anyone Who Cares About Social Justice

Dear American Female Religious,

This is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about.  As per my forthcoming encyclical, please keep your mouths closed unless you are using them to call abortion murder.  Anything else a woman might say is extraneous.

Now, get back to your bishop.  He is probably wondering where you have run off to.

Yours in the Eucharist,

His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, formerly Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, Defender of the Roman Faith

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One thought on “Annals of the Flesh

  1. Very amusing! Nice idea, and well executed. You could make a Christmas novelty book from these. And it would be banned in Italy, which would mean you’d sell ten times as many copies.

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