“Acceptable Pleas for Criminal Defendants”
by Sam Weiner
* Not Guilty
* Not NOT Guilty
* Not Guilty [Wink]
* Too Handsome for Jail
* Guilty… of Being Totally Innocent
* Allergic to Crime
* Guilty of Loving This Country
* Willing to Pinky Swear a “No More Murders” Pledge
* Diplomatic immunity thanks to recent EPCOT visit
* Very, Very Sorry
“Acceptance Speech for Being Nominated to Join the Goodwill Youth Services Curriculum Task Force Team for the 2012-2013 School Year”
by Abigail Templeton-Greene
Thank you. You have done the right thing. As the newest member of this team I believe we should start out by awarding each task force member with a raise — and a puppy. If there is one thing I have learned through my seven years of teaching experience it is that there are two things that really motivate a team: money and small furry creatures. How do I know this? You might be asking yourself, because I know people. Take my students for example. There was just a lovely third year student in my classroom who told me “Hey, miss, can I borrow a pencil?” I responded “Sure, there on the back table.” Although this might seem like a small and trivial interaction to some, the look in her eyes and jaunt in her step highlighted to me my uncanny ability to relate to students.
Yes, my fellow ambassadors of all things curricular, you have made the right choice. In choosing me to be part of your world, you have chosen a leader, a fighter, an above average note taker and a really great person to go to a buffet with. Aside from all of these strengths I also have a strong sense of what works and what does not work in the classroom. Why just today when one of my students suggested that the entire class participate in a water balloon fight. I told her, “Cynthia, that is silly. Having a water balloon fight in the classroom would be a very distracting and irrelevant activity. A water balloon fight is clearly an activity that you should do outside of the classroom.” So then I proceeded to lead the whole class outside to the park to have the water fight. This is a great example of my ability to know right from wrong and to take charge and be the boss, which is exactly what I plan to do as a member of this team. This story also shows my ability to think outside the box when it comes to teaching and my open mindedness to lesson planning. All in one lesson we learned that moldy wet carpet is bad, where as going green and watering the grass is good.
If there is one other thing that I bring to this task force it is a big heart. You know how they say that if you make a fist with your hand that that is the size of your heart, well mine is actually the size of two very large Gerard Depardiue hands clasped in prayer. Just yesterday one of my coworkers farted really loud in the work room. Instead of pointing my finger at him and laughing I immediately opened the refrigerator and said “Wof! Looks like Margarita needs to clean out the fridge!” So many other teachers would just start calling this guy “Cuts the Cheese Charley” but not me. Instead I come to the rescue of a fallen soldier when I see the opportunity, which is exactly what I plan to do as part of this task force.
Some rude and ignorant people might say that our curriculum is a wounded soldier in the trenches of ‘Nam. Well, if that is the case I am the soldier in the next trench over who was not yet hit by a bomb and is like “Oh sh*t! They are bombing the f*ck out of us! We have got to get out of here! My leg! My leg!” Because just then he actually was hit, but still before he was hit he went back and picked up the fellow soldier and threw him over his shoulder and carried him out to the horizons of post-secondary victory. This is who I am and that is where we are going.
Thank you again for choosing me to be part of this Task Force. It is an honor to run with you bulls.
Your obedient employee,
Abigail Templeton-Greene the First