by Camille Griep
INCMG TXT MSG ASH: Beezle, where are you? I’ve been looking for you everywhere.
BroxCom42: Sorry, Ash. I got hungry.
INCMG TXT MSG ASH: Ohio can be dangerous. As your human liaison, I need to remind you that you can’t just waddle off.
BroxCom42: Geez, Ash. I know that my five Broxillian legs and tail aren’t exactly graceful within Earth’s gravity, but that kind of language is hurtful.
INCMG TXT MSG ASH: Sorry Beezle. It’s the damn phone. I typed wander. You’re lucky you don’t have to deal with Autocorrect.
BroxCom42: Doesn’t seem very correct to me.
INCMG TXT MSG ASH: Where are you anyways?
BroxCom42: The restaurant you recommended. This fried bologna sandwich is truly a thing of beauty.
INCMG TXT MSG ASH: Did you try the tater tits?
BroxCom42: I had no idea… breasts of potato! This place is awesome. I have to get my waitress!
INCMG TXT MSG ASH: Whatever you’re thinking of doing, stop right now. Don’t bite anything that isn’t on your plate. It was a typhoon.
BroxCom42: A typhoon? I know I’m new here, but don’t you need an ocean for that? I’d better call my ship. They’ll want to know if I’m in danger.
INCMG TXT MSG ASH: No. Don’t call the ship. My mistake. I meant typhoid.
BroxCom42: Typhoid? Neil deGrasse Tyson! I’ll call the medical ship. We should get everyone off this landmass. Save the earth. Save the tater tatas!
INCMG TXT MSG ASH: No typhoon. No typhoid. Just enjoy your tuts.
INCMG TXT MSG ASH: Tots.
INCMG TXT MSG ASH: Shit.
BroxCom42: You don’t seem to be having a very good day, Ash. Can I buy you a beer?
INCMG TXT MSG ASH: Sounds great, Beezle. I can be there in ten minutes. Are you shitting inside or on the patio?
BroxCom42: I thought I was supposed to use the “toilets.”
INCMG TXT MSG ASH: I meant sitting.
BroxCom42: That’s only for #2, right?
INCMG TXT MSG ASH: I mean where are you shitting right now?
BroxCom42: I’m not shitting right now. I’m eating tater tots.
INCMG TXT MSG ASH: Goddamned phone. It’s driving me crayfish.
BroxCom42: Maybe you should stay away from crayfish. You know because of the typhoon.
INCMG TXT MSG ASH: No crayfish. No typhoon.
BroxCom42: By the way, the waitress says her breasts are not made of potatoes. She seems offended.
INCMG TXT MSG ASH: I’ll apologize to her when I get there.
INCMG TXT MSG ASH: Order me a kale.
INCMG TXT MSG ASH: Damnit. Order me a cipher.
INCMG TXT MSG ASH: Nevermind. Order me a portal.
BroxCom42: I’m gonna go ahead and order that medical ship for you.
INCMG TXT MSG ASH: Yeah. You should do that. I just hit my head against my desk and it’s bleeding. I think I may have a conclusion.
BroxCom42: What is it?
INCMG TXT MSG ASH: I need a new phone.