“Sounds Like a Good Idea to Me”
By Mike Jackson
This is my tiger, Jeremy. I’ve had him since he was a baby, twelve years now, which puts him around middle age. He’s ten feet long and weighs 575 pounds which is a tad skinny for general male dominance status. But let me tell you, what he lacks in size he makes up for in speed. Hell, just last week I saw him out in the back yard go from nap to flossing his teeth with the neighbors Yorkie in no time flat. Little fuckin’ yippers.
What am I doing with a pet tiger, you ask? Well, God bless America, but twelve years ago the tiger lobby convinced Congress to legalize the domestication of tigers in order to increase job opportunities in the lucrative exotic wild animals industry. Upon signing the bill into law, President Palin remarked, “Fuck Yeah! Eat that hippies! USA! USA! USA!” Vice-President “Uncle Teddy” Nugent reportedly had an orgasm. This, however, remains unconfirmed (yet likely).
I mean, yeah, they kill. A lot. Too much really. But thanks to the Orange Stripe 501(c) Fund, the efforts in Washington have kept it legal. Of course there is always some skinny, liberal fucker running around talking about babies in strollers going missing without explanations, but those fuckers were probably just going to grow up in favor of being Pro-Choice, so fuck ‘em. That’s what I say.
Anyway, I was telling you about Jeremy. He’s all man. Eight kids, at least, and he hasn’t lifted a paw to help a one of them. Besides, female tigers can be straight up bitches. Seriously, try to pet one some time, guaran-damn-teed to lose a hand. He eats meat breakfast, lunch and dinner and only exercises when he’s hunting (exercise is for pussies). His favorite activity is playing badminton with squirrels. Well, it’s not REALLY badmitton but he likes to grab them out of trees and whip them into the fence. So technically he’s losing because the squirrel never makes it over the fence, but it sure looks like winning to me. Losing is for pussies.
He hasn’t tried any of that shit with me though. He knows better. He looks me in the eyes and knows I bite back. So my neighbor Phil’s wife has been missing a while. Whatever. Fuck Phil. He runs a non-profit. Pussy. And don’t even get me started on these assholes that want to legalize pet jaguars. What the hell do they think we built The Fence for? Keep those fuckers across the border where they belong. Tigers are American goddammit!
Next Thursday is World Pet Tiger Day (declared per President Palin on the 1st day of her 3rd term) and I’m taking Jeremy to the local Junior High for a demonstration in the auditorium. The school officials and a bunch of scared shitless parents are protesting, but Federal law is Federal law and everyone has to participate whether they want to or not.
I’ll be damned, there’s a group of strangers walking their tigers down the street. “Hey, keep your tigers on a leash, fellas. What the fuck? Call ‘em off. Get off the porch, you damn tigers. Jeremy? Jeremy? Nooooooo!!!! Jeremy, how could you? I thought we were friends forever?