“Ripping the Headlines”
by Paul Lander
Time reading is time wasted, Hobo Pancake Nation. You think you can work on upping that Halo score AND stay informed? Hell, no! Well, me neither. That’s why I like to treat the news like I treat people. Make a snap judgment and move the hell on. So, here are some headlines and my first thoughts:
‘Dog Eats 5 100 Dollar Bills’
Because of withholding taxes only shits out $375.56
‘Europe will enforce world’s first continent-wide ban on insecticides harming bees’
Meaning there are now two disasters that could go by name Honey Boo Boo
‘A “pot house” slaying in rural Idaho is under investigation’
They would have gotten away with it, too, if they hadn’t stopped for 4 dozen nachos, 2 cases of Ding Dongs, 5 Big Gulp Slurpies
‘ADL Demands Joan Rivers Apologize For Holocaust Joke’
ADL, that’s the good cholesterol or the bad cholesterol?
‘Charlie Brown’ actor to serve sentence in rehab’
When asked how he felt about it he said, “All I heard the Judge say was “Waa Wa Wa Waaaaaa”
‘Florida woman stabs boyfriend for farting on her’
Cops let her go free when they got wind of it…
‘Today in Geek History: 1st comic bearing “MC” for Marvel Comics went on sale in 1961′
If you knew that, expect to never get laid
‘The NRA has spent more than $80 million on elections’
You’d think for all that money they’d have gotten something of a higher caliber
“Michelle Obama Cited by CBO for Contributing to Unemployment Rate”
By Ziggy Yoediono
WASHINGTON – The Congressional Budget Office announced today that after further analysis, it had identified a contributing factor to the unemployment rate: Michelle Obama’s sleeveless tops.
“Thousands upon thousands of women and cross-dressing men across America emulate the First Lady’s fashion,” said Douglas Elmendorf, Director of the CBO. “And given that Mrs. Obama favors sleeveless ensembles whenever she’s in public, these styles tend to fly off the racks.”
He noted, however, that while the clothing companies that produce such tops have profited from this high profile publicity, a particular contingent has not: the already underpaid seamstresses who attach sleeves. During Obama’s presidency, their unemployment rate has skyrocketed from 3.7% to 15.3%.
“I miss Barbara [Bush],” said Chen Chin, a sleeve-attaching seamstress who was recently laid off. “She [was] no trendsetter with those pearls, but at least more women keep arms covered.”
Congressional Republicans are now demanding that President Obama ban Mrs. Obama from wearing sleeveless ensembles throughout the second term.
“We’re prepared to circulate a draft bill if needed to enforce this. This is what the American people deserve,” said Majority House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH). “Furthermore, seeing her toned arms has been emasculating for us men in Congress, which is why we’ve been ineffective.”
“As long as they don’t make botox and facelifts illegal,” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) responded as she dashed off to a meeting.
When asked to comment on Boehner’s plan, the First Lady flexed her arms.