Hobo Pancakes

Suck it, "New Yorker."

Letters to the Editor

Written By: editors - Sep• 01•13

Hi-de-ho, Hobos!  Ruth “Rooster” Flanagan here, reporting for duty. It’s great to be making a little lettuce with this here webiverse magazine.  The plucky gals who run it remind me of myself back in my USO days during the Second Great War.  Some dumb dora told me the other day, “Rooster,” she says, “quit trying to make “the Second Great War” happen.  It’s never gonna happen.”  That’s not the point, says I! World War One gets all the credit for being great, but World War Two had its keen moments, and I’m not just saying that because I was there!

 

Anyway, I’m playing quarterback on our correspondence these days, plus using a thing I learned to use at the Senior Diversion Center called Photoshoppe to bring you photos of some gents that make me khaki wacky.  But first, let’s take a gander at what our readers have to say.

 

 

Hi there,

 

I work with the open education site, AcademicEarth.org. We recently added a comprehensive resource for accounting students. In addition to our database of free online courses, we now feature an extensive list of blogs, open access journals, scholarships, internships, and national organizations, all focused on the field of accounting. 

 

We would love for you to check out this resource and offer any comments or suggestions. If you think this is something your audience might value, please feel free to share.

http://academicearth.org/online-college-courses/accounting/

Thank you for your time,

Jack Collins

 

 

Dear Jack,

 

I had a friend named Polly—Sweet Pol, we used to call her before the unpleasantness, but I’m getting ahead of myself—and she got herself enrolled in accounting school in 1941.  Lied about her age to the duds in the admissions office, says she’s sixteen.  Well, Sweet Pol’s a damn natural, a real whiz kid with the facts and figures, and soon enough, she finds herself in the employ of Hershey’s chocolates, where they make the nylons.  Finds herself promoted lickety-split, making 4 figures before you can say Bob’s your uncle.  Spends her life working there for Old Man Hershey, even invents the Mr. Goodbar, retires to Florida in 1995 and then one day last May, drops dead. Kaput. Like a doornail.  And I won’t have you swaying today’s youngsters toward the same fate, so we will not be sharing your information with our readers at this time.

 

Cordially,

Rooster

 

 

Dear Honorable and Respected Publisher . I hope this email finds you in mesmerizing happiness and prosperity . At the outset , it is a triumphant privilege for me to be writing you , for the fabric of nicety .


I am Nikhil Parekh , a 35 year old poet and author from Ahmedabad , India . I am also an Eight – Time World Record holder for my Poetry with the Limca Book of Records ( 2nd if official world rankings to the Guinness Book of World Records ) . You can visit me at – http://nikhilparekh.org/ – to browse thousands of my Poems , my complete Poetry Books , my world records in Poetry and awards . it would also a mortal honor for me if you join my page at – http://facebook.com/indianpoetnikhilparaekh . currently as i type this email , this facebook page of mine has been liked by 19977 different people .

 

My style of Poetry / literature is unique and has never ever been written before or experimented on the mortal planet by any mortal . Though my Poetry / literature is normal and natural .


God’s astoundingly invincible grace on me . i am nothing infront of God . i am nothing infront of God’s holy messengers .

For instance , you can have an idea about styling of literature as you browse 2 of my poems at the webpages as under –

Save your love . Save water . – http://nikhilparekh.org/2010/05/27/save-your-love-save-water/

If you cut a tree; You cut your own mother – http://nikhilparekh.org/2006/09/28/if-you-cut-a-tree-you-cut-your-own-mother/


I wanted to intimate you about the fact ; that I have now uploaded 9 different poetry books of mine , in their entirety , at Authonomy.com , at the webpage as under –

http://authonomy.com/writing-community/profile/58198fd7-2073-4e60-a7c5-1170d602fda4/nikhilparekh/ .

 

These Poetry Books of mine comprise of nearly a 7000 pages of my Poetry , have approximately 1.25 million words in them , contain about 2127 of my differently titled Poems and almost a 265000 lines – in their totality .


-> The Poetry Books that I have uploaded at Authomomy.com are respectively as under -

1 God ( 522 pages )

The Womb ( 250 pages )

Hide and Seek ( 610 pages )

The Power of Black ( 500 pages )

Love Versus Terrorism ( 607 pages )

If you cut a tree , you cut your own mother ( 208 pages )

Life = Death ( 1200 pages )

You die , I die – Love Poems ( 1600 pages )

Longest Poem by Parekh- Only as Life ( 80 pages ) .

-> Incase the length of my Poetry Book is a constraint / impediment , as far as publishing is concerned , then the Poetry Book can be divided into several parts of 200 pages each , or so ( and can be brought out in the market in many volumes , like Part 1, Part 2 ) – without hampering the essence of the Literature incorporated inside.

__________________________________________________

Now , I earnestly desire to get these Poetry Books of mine listed as above in this message , published with your publishing house ; with a financial author advance on signing up for publication ; followed by the uninhibited distribution of my Poetry Books via earth’s major bookstores .

My quintessential aim is to disseminate the ideals of love , brotherhood , humanity , peace – via my poetry and reach the planet in my humanitarian capacity with the message of friendship and humility . 

I hope to hear from you regards the publication of my poetry books and enter into a contract with your Publishing conglomerate regards the same , at the earliest ; with a pre publication financial author advance at signing up with you .

My complete contact details can be found as below , 


Earnestly , 

Nikhil Parekh 

 

Dear Nikhil,

 

Are you off your rocker?  I don’t aim to come off like a bluenose, but ain’t you aware that Earth’s major bookstores are all going outta business?  The only reason I’m working here is because the Borders I worked at part-time down the road from the Senior Diversion Center went bankrupt and mysteriously erupted into flames.  This idea of yours is all wet.  Does the Limca Book of Record have a category for “Sappiest Patsy?” You might qualify for that.

 

Yours,

R. “R.” F.

 

Dear Hobo Pancakes: 

Nigger.

Kike.

Ginger. 

Which of these words is not like the others? The word that is: 

1. No longer allowed to donate to sperm banks due to lack of demand.
2. The basis of “celebration” for a newly created holiday meant to ridicule and abuse these people.
3. Commonly used to depict Judas, Christ’s betrayer.

Obviously, the word is “ginger.” Little does the public realize, redism has reached its peak.

I propose writing a 750-word piece on this prominent, yet ignored form of pREjuDice to prevent a henna-haired holocaust. As the creator of and blogger for The Ginger Philes on ChicagoNow (owned by the Chicago Tribune), I am an expert on the redheaded diaspora. The blog has garnered attention from the New York Post and How to be a Redhead.

I’ve also written for The Onion, SuburbanBully.com and Greene Notes.

Thank you in advance for consideration of this article.

Sincerely,

Ellen

 

Dear Ellen,

 

Now hold on here, missy. I know from my sensitivity training at the Senior Diversion Center that you ain’t supposed to use some of those words up there, but as a former fellow carrot-top, I’d be interested in taking a gander at what you have to say.  Just keep in mind that I lived through a dilly of a holocaust, so if it looks like you’re making this stuff up to look like a big cheese, then you’ll be toast.  Got it?

 

With concern,

 

Rooster

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One Comment

  1. […] View The Ginger Philes Letter to the Editor of Hobo Pancakes — and its response — here. […]

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