Past Help

Welcome to “Past Help,” our advice column for lovelorn and confused members of the HP nation!  This month’s expert to solve all of your syrup-addled quandaries is Augusta Ada King, Countess of Lovelace.  Thanks to the Countess for taking time out of her busy schedule!

 

Dear Ada Lovelace,

I’m trying to decide on a college major.  I’m really torn between computer science — which I love — and creative writing, which I ALSO love!  There’s nothing better than good poetry, but when computer code is really well-written, that’s a kind of poetry too.  I can’t do both without taking an extra year of school and that means another twenty grand in loans, but… how do I decide???

Sincerely,

Glum in Grinnell

 

Dear “Glum,”

My father, the insane poetic genius Lord Byron, would counsel us all to pursue the written word; but I wonder if science is not the most perfect outlet for the expression of the human tendency towards poetry and the sublime?  There is nothing more beautiful than codifying the effects of skull shape on human behavior  — I urge you to explore the art and science of phrenology.  Wherever possible, one must use the purity of mathematics to explore the spiritual world.  It is the very duty of science.

Yours Without Equation,

an Analyst (& Metaphysician)

 

Dear Ada Lovelace,

I am in love with a married woman… and to make things worse, her husband is my BOSS.  If this were just a crush, that would be one thing, but she is clearly into me too — my boss doesn’t, like, beat her or anything, but I know she’s not happy with him, either.  But if we run off together, how am I going to find a new job in this economy??  HELP!!!!!

Sincerely,

Freaked in Fairfax

 

Dear “Freaked,”

Just sleep with her.  Her husband will probably understand, and if he doesn’t, it’s not like he would do anything worse than abandon the mother of his children as she was slowly dying from uterine cancer while still a young, intellectually vital woman of only thirty-six.  Not that I’m bitter or anything.

Yours Without Equation,

an Analyst (& Metaphysician) Who Liked to Sleep Around

 

Dear Ada Lovelace,

I’ve never had a boyfriend — I think they’re all intimidated because I’m so smart, but maybe that’s just what I tell myself because I’m really shy.  I don’t want to die a virgin, but how do I impress a guy enough for him to ask me out?

Sincerely,

Single in Schenectady

 

Dear “Single,”

In my experience, men are helpless before women who do two things: correct their mathematics, and have sex without moral scruple.  It also helps to be super rich.

Yours Without Equation,

an Analyst (& Metaphysician)

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