“I Have No Idea Where to Mail All This Ricin”
by Justin Laub
I have recently come into possession of a significant amount of Ricin. So far I haven’t a clue what to do with the stuff. According to popular trends in the papers, the hip thing to do these days is send it through the mail to political leaders you don’t agree with. I’m not the type who often thinks they’re “too cool for the room,” but I don’t think that route is for me. The ricin never seems to get to its intended target. Most high level politicians don’t receive unscreened envelopes from people they don’t know. I suppose I could send it to someone more low level, like a state senator. Though that doesn’t quite seem to be the answer either. I don’t know who any state senators are. Also, they already have enough problems, like being state senators. Ever notice how you always feel like you have more enemies when you’re buying ricin than when you’re actually ready to mail it? It’s soooooo frustrating, I hate it.
It was never my intention to acquire such a large quantity of such a toxic substance, but sometimes life takes you in strange directions. It all started at a party a few weeks back where I met this guy, Hank. Sure, he was a little bit sketchy, but he was friendly enough so we started chatting. He wore a really nice suit, expensive sunglasses and kept looking over his shoulder as we talked. In retrospect, it makes perfect sense that he was a black-market ricin dealer. I’m not sure why it caught me so off guard when after twenty minutes of pleasant conversation he snapped, “So you gonna buy some ricin from me or what?!?” Before that moment, I had never considered purchasing ricin. I didn’t know what to do. Hank told me he was selling at a really good price, sixty percent below what ricin was going for on the open market. At first I didn’t trust his numbers – of course a ricin dealer is going to say he has a great price on ricin. I did some quick research on my phone and his numbers checked out. It was a great deal and I do love a good bargain – I was sold. I bought three pounds of powdered ricin that night.
Ever since I have been racking my brains, trying to figure out what do with it all. As I thought it over, I began to realize that most of the people I’d even consider for ricin mail, I don’t know that much about. My enemy list is mostly just strangers who mildly annoyed me and then I mentally declared my nemesis. Like that one guy I see on my bus sometimes who always has his headphones too loud and the whole bus has to hear his stupid music. I hate that guy so much, I’d love to mail him a whole heap of ricin. Unfortunately, I have no clue where to send it. I suppose I could try just handing him some on the bus next time I see him… never mind, I just realized about seven reasons why that’s a bad idea. This is difficult. Owning three pounds of ricin isn’t as easy and fun as I thought it would be. Maybe you have some some better ideas for where I can mail all this ricin. If you do, please write to help me out. My home address is:
14 Northern St
Newfolk, NY 11846
And please, I understand the temptation to indulge the irony, but please don’t mail me any ricin. I’ve already got way too much. Thanks.