Past Help

Welcome to “Past Help,” our advice column for lovelorn and confused members of the HP nation!  This month’s expert to solve all of your syrup-addled quandaries is Saint Hildegard von Bingen, O.S.B.  Thanks to the Hild for taking time out of her busy schedule!

 

Dear Hildegard von Bingen,

 

My friend set me up with this really cute guy and we TOTALLY clicked and the sex was amaaaaaaaaaaaaahzing, and he has these really hot tattoos and a great apartment and a good job but then I found out what his job is and he is a BUTCHER!  WHAT?!  Who does that???  I am a vegan!  I mean clearly I can’t ever sleep with him again except seriously the sex was so so good that I really want to.  What should I do??

 

Sincerely,

Lonesome in Los Angeles

 

My dearest “Lonesome,”

 

You are a child of Christ.  So is this butcher.  Perhaps instead of base sexual dalliances, you two might come together from your different perspectives to together create melismatic, monophonic harmonies.  The viriditas of life — its Godly “greenness” — shall overcome any warring dualities, and the purity of the Virgin Mary shall bless your musical union.

 

For this, I pray.

 

Yours in Christ,

Hildegard von Bingen, O.S.B., doctor of the Church

 

Dear Hildegard von Bingen,

 

My credit card debt is getting really out of control — I used to shop regularly on plastic, but then I lost my job, and the only way to pay my credit card bills was to shuffle them from one card to another.  I haven’t earned income in almost two years, my credit rating is shot, my savings are wiped out… I don’t know what to do!  HELP!

 

Sincerely,

Indebted in Iowa

 

My dearest “Indebted,”

 

Perhaps you might benefit from listening to my masterwork, Ordo Virtutum, which details the methods by which the Devil and the Virtues fight for the very souls of man.  If you cannot choose poverty then may God strike you motionless and force your superiors to recognize your right to such a holy state, as He did for me.

 

If all else fails, I recommend inventing your own alphabet, as I once did.  Those around you will think you have gone mad, and everybody respects crazy.  Trust.

 

For this, I pray.

 

Yours in Christ,

Hildegard von Bingen, O.S.B., doctor of the Church

 

Dear Hildegard von Bingen,

 

YO!  All these paparazzi are riding my jock lately — these fucking tabloids wanting to talk about me and, like, Brazilian prostitutes and shit.  Whaaaaaatever, am I right?  I mean, I am a goddamn superstar!  You made some sweet tunes, so I know you know what I’m talking about — we’re, like, on the level, you know.  Fuck that noise, right?

 

Sincerely,

Justin Bieber

 

My dearest “Justin Bieber”,

 

If your music is still inspiring millions of souls nine hundred years from now, we will be “on the level.”

 

But it will not, so also, shut up.

 

For this, I pray.

 

Yours in Christ,

Hildegard von Bingen, O.S.B., doctor of the Church

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