“Ten Crazy New Street Drugs You Don’t Even Know About Yet”
by Rebecca Villanueva
Purell Fizzie: A combination of bath salts and hand sanitizer. This drug is generally trafficked in nightclubs and Bath and Body Works. When ingested orally can cause hallucinations and mania. When not being used as a recreational drug, makes a great gift.
Gary Gold: Potent strain of marijuana similar to Acapulco Gold, found principally in Gary, Indiana. AKA ‘Rust Belt Fun Time’ and ‘Sad Pot.’
Meth Lite: Same great meth, less scorchy.
Exquisite T: Made with Darvocet and Earl Gray. Also known as DT, Big G, Tally Ho, and Up Up. Users say it goes great with crumpets. Or for hardcore users, Crumpycodone, a mixture of crumpets and hydrocodone. Serious addicts have been known to shoot ‘Crumpyballs,’ a dangerous combination of Exquisite T and Crumpycodone, administered directly into the bloodstream via blood sugar test strips.
Special G: AKA poor man’s heroin, made from gasoline, Sendsodyne, and asbestos. Side effects include reduced tooth sensitivity and death.
Mollypops: Super high concentration of MDMA in lollipop form. Users should be prepared to cut Mollypops out of their carpet and / or hair shortly after use.
Pink Tar: Black tar heroin mixed with Pepto-Bismol. Relieves indigestion and users of their dignity.
Rittles: Ritalin mixed with Skittles. For people who want to taste, hear, touch and possibly even build a diorama of the rainbow.
Oxy Clean: Mainly used by Oxycontin addicts with poor reading comprehension skills.
Cumin: Snorted in large quantities, causes hallucinations. Also great substitute for taco seasoning.
“The Curious Case of the Missing Tooth in the Nighttime…Kind Of”
By Mike Jackson
My little brother’s kind of a dork, but not a thief. I don’t think so anyway and I’ve never known the dogs to eat money. Besides, Zooey is so old she doesn’t even come up the stairs anymore to where my room is so she couldn’t have done it and Tulip is just plain crazy and needy so maybe she was in there and accidentally ate it while she was trying to snuggle closer even though she was already on my face. Anyway, now I’m missing a tooth and the money the Tooth Fairy left me, so somebody must have taken it. And it couldn’t have been Mom or Dad because they have jobs that pay them money so I don’t think they would need it besides I don’t think adults can buy things for a dollar anymore, at least Dad’s always complaining about how much stuff costs like when we were at the gas station the other day and he almost had a heart attack because the Snickers he bought cost $1.20 which I guess is way more than it cost when he was a kid but I think that must have been a long time ago because he looks old, but not as old as some of the other parents. My friend Callista’s Dad is like 50! which is super old and not like my dad old which is less than 50, but still more than young. Anyway, my Tooth Fairy money is missing.
And, and, and then, and then, and then, hey, Mom! Julies’ money is gone. Dum, dum, duuuummmm. And, and, and, and she’s mad at everybody now cuz’ her money is gone that the Tooth Fairy left her. Can I have waffles for breakfast? And chocolate miiilllkkk!!!! Power Rangers. Attack!
I love my babies but I think sometimes they’re crazy. My daughter lost her tooth last night, not her first, so we left $1 under her pillow, but for some reason it’s not there this morning, which doesn’t make any sense. We weren’t even going to do the whole Tooth Fairy thing with the kids, but apparently some of her friends at school are getting $5 or $20 for one tooth, which is crazy! But she doesn’t really seem to understand money yet so we’re just pretending $1 is a big deal. Although if you ask my husband he’ll go on a rant about the price of a Snickers bar. We’re only in our 30’s; he really needs to chill on the old-man crankiness.
It is way too early for this. How a dollar bill goes missing doesn’t make any sense. It’s not like I mind losing the dollar, I mean, Christ, I can’t even buy a Snickers bar with it, but who steals Tooth Fairy money? The dogs are safe-crackers when it comes to stealing food but I’ve never seen either one of them eat anything else and my son is far too occupied with the Power Rangers to care about money. Actually, I’m surprised how well the kids get along sometimes. Julie doesn’t even seem to suspect her brother in the least even though they both sleep in the same room a lot. Those bunk-beds were a better investment than I thought they would be. Oh well, I guess we’ll just have to put another dollar under her pillow tonight and think up something to tell her in the morning.
What? It’s my fuckin’ dollar.