Articles of Faith

“Casanova Jehovah”

by Sara Palmer

“Hey.”

Mary looked around and saw no one.

“Hey, Mary. It’s me.”

“Oh.” She put down her sewing. “Hey, God.”

“How’s it been going?”

Mary shrugged. “Same as usual. You?”

“Oh, you know,” God paused, “just finishing up some outer edges of the universe. Nothing big.”

“Sounds cool.”

“Are you alone? What are you doing?”

Mary picked back up her sewing. “Yeah, I’m alone. Everyone else is out working. I’m helping to make some new clothes for the winter. Should be a rough one.”

“Sorry about that, but, on the bright side, I know the clothes are going to be beautiful. Everything you touch is incredible. You’re so talented, Mary.”

She blushed. “Thanks, God.” She sewed for a few moments in silence.

“So,” God cleared his throat. “Have you thought more about our conversation?”

Mary kept sewing, pretending she didn’t hear.

“You’re looking really fine these days, Mary. Really blossoming. Your hair is so nice, so soft. You must brush it a million times a day to get it so silky.”

“Thanks, God.”

Mary felt a breeze brush a strand of hair behind her ear.

“So silky.”

“Thanks, God, but I can’t take the credit. You made me and all.” She laughed nervously.

“Yeah, I know. I worked hard on you.”

Mary kept sewing, her eyes fixated on each thread of the needle.

“So, about our conversation…”

Mary sighed. Her hands fell into her lap. “I don’t know, God. I mean, I’m flattered and all, but I’m just not sure. I mean, I’ve never even done it before. What if I’m terrible and you hate it? I mean, you’re, like, well God, the supreme judge and all.”

“Mary, you don’t have to worry about that. You could never disappoint me.”

“I guess. It’s just, well, I mean, it’s not an easy decision, God. That’s all.”

“Mary, I totally respect you and whatever decision you make. If you’re not ready, I can respect that.” God sighed. “You are just so beautiful and so pure; I can’t help myself. I want you to be the one. The only one.”

Mary felt a warm breeze slide down her arm.

“You’re so pretty, Mary. Do you know that?” A single ray of sunshine brushed a spot on Mary’s cheek, inches from her mouth.

“But, God, won’t I be less pure after we do it? What will you think of me then?”

“Mary you could never be less pure. I made you immaculate, remember?”

Mary hung her head. She felt warm air encase her hands and squeeze.

“Mary, this won’t change anything. Not about you and especially not between us. This isn’t some fling, Mary. This is the real thing.”

“How can I be sure?”

“I swear to myself.”

“What if people find out? I’d be called a slut for sure.”

“They won’t find out.”

“But they could.”

“But they won’t.”

“But what if they did?”

God sighed. “Then I’d smite them, Mary. I’m all-powerful remember? The second anyone utters a syllable against you I’ll give them the pox, dry up their crops, or kill their first-born. You name the punishment and I’ll deliver. I’m not some average man, Mary. I am the alpha and omega. The great I am.”

“I know, I know. It’s just, you know, I’m unmarried. What will my future husband think the first time we have sex and he sees I’m not a virgin?”

“Relax, Mary, I’m non-corporeal, remember? There won’t be any penetration in the traditional sense. It would be more like a mind fuck.”

“Not funny, God.”

“Sorry, Mary. That was insensitive.”

Mary walked to the other side of the room. “Let’s say I say ‘yes.’ What happens after?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, will you just disappear?”

God laughed. “I am always with you, Mary.”

“Don’t give me that bullshit line you gave Abraham. You know what I mean.”

“Mary, come on. Do you think I’d just leave you? I chose you for this. You and I have a special connection. Even before you were born I knew you.”

Mary felt the scent of lavender wrap her entire body. She felt warmed by an invisible caress.

“So, this won’t be, like, a one-night stand?”

“Mary, do you think I’m just using you?”

Mary shrugged and looked at the floor.

“I care about you, Mary. You’re the most important person to me.”

“But that’s just the thing, God. Aren’t I, like, your child or something? Aren’t you my father?”

“That’s just semantics, Mary. It’s not the same as your earthly father.”

“So it’s not, you know,” Mary’s voice dropped, “incest?”

God laughed. “Oh sweet little Mary, not at all. That’s just a bunch of hype the Pharisees use to put me into a context that less metaphysical-minded people can understand. You are too smart for that, my darling. You know better.”

“But what about marriage? I mean, isn’t that your law? You want me, but you won’t marry me. Isn’t that against the rules? Your rules?”

God’s voice was firm. “There is nothing immoral about the two of us coming together. I created the rules and I can change the rules. If I say it’s okay, then it is.”

Mary closed her eyes for a few moments.

“Don’t you see what an honor this is, Mary? I am asking you to be with me. Be with the king of kings. What other woman gets to say that?”

Mary’s voice shook a little. “You want to be with me, but why then don’t you want to marry me?”

God coughed. “It’s not a matter of want, Mary. There’s a lot on my plate right now. You’re so young; how could you possibly understand? If we got married now your whole life would be dictated by my priorities. Do you really want that? I don’t want you to have to sacrifice your dreams for me. Of course I want to marry you, but we can take that part slow. Just because right now isn’t the best time for such a strong commitment, doesn’t mean it won’t happen eventually. I mean, I feel like you’re my wife already. What’s important is how we feel right now.”

“Do you love me?”

She felt gentle pressure on her shoulder.

“Mary, I created the mountains and the sea, the moon and the stars. I can have any woman I want, but I chose you. What is there for you to worry about? All you have to do is enjoy yourself. I will take care of everything.”

“What happens if we get pregnant? What then, God?”

Mary felt a chill.

God’s voice sounded odd. “That won’t happen, Mary.”

“How can you know for sure?”

“Um, because I’m God.”

“I’m being serious.”

“Okay, okay. I guarantee that won’t happen.”

“You guarantee? How can you guarantee?”

“Because I know the future, Mary. I create the future. If it’s not in my plan it doesn’t happen. I’m God, Mary. What more of a guarantee do you need?”

“And me getting pregnant is not a part of your plan, right? Cause I’m too young for a child, God. I’ve got a lot of life to live before I’m tied down to a baby.”

“Mary, you have my word.”

“But what if it does happen?”

“Then, we’ll take care of it.”

“What does that mean?”

“Mary, I didn’t mean it like that.”

“So, what? Would you just get rid of it? Just kill it?”

“Of course not. I’d take care of him. Love him unconditionally and all that. I mean, eventually, yes, I’d have to kill him, circle of life and all, but not till he’s at least in his 30s.”

“So you do want kids?”

“No way. I’ve got plenty.”

Mary rolled her eyes.

“I’m not trying to make your fear seem trivial; I’m just saying if it did happen, which it won’t, but if it did, I’d take care of you and the baby. I wouldn’t abandon you like some deadbeat dad, I swear.”

Mary felt a warm breeze travel up her legs.

“How could you take care of us when you’re so busy with all your responsibilities and priorities?” Her voice carried a bitter note around the edges.

“Mary, he’d be the son of God. He’d be like a god himself with magical powers and everything. Doesn’t that sound exciting?”

The heat slowly moved up and down her thighs. Mary didn’t realize she’d been holding her breath until she finally exhaled.

“You promise nothing bad will happen?”

Mary’s body began to softly vibrate. Her heartbeat picked up pace.

“Mary,” God’s voice whispered in her ear. “I will never force anything upon you that you don’t want. Free will and all that.”

“Will you think less of me if I do it?” Her chest heaved up and down. A soft breath, like a whisper, circled her neck.

 “Mary, I honor and respect you completely. No matter what. I’ll be here no matter what.”

“And you won’t tell anyone, right? No bragging to Michael or Gabriel?”

 She felt a moist heat between her legs and a soft caress across her chest. Her knees weakened and she slid to the floor. Her squeezed her eyes closed.

“I promise, Mary. This will stay just between you and I.”

“Will it hurt? I’m just a virgin; I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do.” She felt a gentle but firm pressure over her entire body, pinning her to the floor.

“Relax, Mary.” God’s voice was muffled. “I’m the Lord God Omnipotent, remember? I know exactly what to do.”

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