Salute Our Shorts: The News in Brief

“Shuttle Names Rejected by the Russian Federal Space Agency”

Leah Bush

Flappy Bird

MH17

Little Boy

Fat Man

Filet-O-Fish

Bits and Pieces of What Used to be Challenger

Real Moscow

Unreal Madrid

Soviet United

Borat

The Shuttles Karamazov

The Great Purge

Anna Kournikova

 

 

 

 

“Ripping the Headlines”
by Paul Lander

Time reading is time wasted, Hobo Pancake Nation. You think you can work on upping that Halo score AND stay informed? Hell, no! Well, me neither. That’s why I like to treat the news like I treat people. Make a snap judgment and move the hell on. So, here are some headlines and my first thoughts:

Police arrest 1 of 20 clowns terrorizing California county
Told he had the right to remain silent he said, ‘I’m a clown not a mime, moron.’

It’s World Vasectomy Day
There was going to be a parade but the participants were tied up at the moment.

Washington DC legalizes pot
That means DC now stands for ‘Dude, Chill.’

An Indian study claims that yoga can help premature ejaculation
Seems it requires using the sexual position, ‘Downward Facing Doggie Style.’

Duck Dynasty Patriarch calls Islamic group ISIS backward
Saying ISIS wants us back in 1400’s, while everyone knows we belong in 1700’s.

50th Anniversary of Disneyland’s ‘It’s a Small World’ ride
Or, as Republicans call it “Why hasn’t anyone called immigration yet” ride.

Colorado fourth-graders busted for buying and selling weed during school day
You’d think by the 4th grade they’d already be potty trained.

New study: 72 percent of Fox News climate segments are misleading’
And the rest are totally untrue…

Stone discovered in Jerusalem may answer a nearly 2,000 year-old question
Turns out that Keith Richards remembers stuff from his youth.

China launches first mission to moon and back
Chinese Premier: ‘If there’s life on the moon all those take out menus we left will be hard for them to resist.’

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