Official Proceedings

“The Paul Revere and the Raiders Post Office”

by Christopher Warman

H.R. 80085

113th Congress, 2D Session

________________________

IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES

Mr. BOOLSHITE (for himself, Mr. OTTER, Mrs. TOQUEN, Mr. DULIPS, and Mr. CO-

OTER) introduced the following bill; which was referred to the Committee on Over-

sight and Government Reform

AN ACT

To designate the facility of the United States Postal Service located at 101

California Avenue in Council, Idaho, as the ‘‘Paul Revere –subscript-

And the Raiders -end subscript- Post Office Building’’.

1 Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the

2 United States of America in Congress assembled,

1 SECTION 1. SHORT TITLE.

2 This Act may be cited as the “Paul Revere and the Raiders Post Of-

3 fice Designation Act of 2014 (PRATRiOD 2014)”.

4 SECTION 2. PAUL REVERE AND THE RAIDERS POST OF-

5 FICE BUILDING.

6 (a) DESIGNATION.—The facility of the United States Postal Ser-

7 vice located at 101 California Avenue in Council, Idaho, shall be

8 known and designated as the ‘‘Paul Revere -subscript- and the Raiders

9 -end subscript- Post Office Building’’.

10 (b) REFERENCES.—Any reference in a law, map, regulation, doc-

11 ument, paper, or other record of the United States to the facility re-

12 ferred to in subsection (a) shall be deemed to be a reference to the

13 ‘‘Paul Revere -subscript- and the Raiders -end subscript- Post Office

14 Building’’.

15 SECTION 3. AMENDMENTS TO THE ACT

16 (a) POST OFFICE SAFETY AND HOMELAND SECURITY AS-

17 SURANCE MEASURES – Pursuant to the protection of our vaunted

18 United States Postal Service works and the promotion of our Second

19 Amendment Liberties, all future post office offices, warehouses, vehi-

20 cles, and all other infrastructural assets owned by the United States

21 Postal Service, pursuant to the delivery and handling of our vaunted

22 citizens mail and parcels, shall be outfitted with mounted sentry gun

23 turrets, equipped with thermal and echolocation aiming adapters, as

24 seen on the Discovery Channel series Mythbusters. All post offices

25 will abide by these requirements by the end of the fiscal year 2017,

26 abiding that the budgetary effects of this Act shall not be entered on ei-

27 ther PAYGO scorecard maintained pursuant to section 4(d) of the

28 Statutory Pay-As-You-Go Act of 2010.

29 (b) POSTAGE ACCESSIBILITY ASSURANCES – Whereas there

30 is a growing need for access to regular mailery among the vaunted

31 United States citizenry, the cost of stamps will be lowered 2c, begin-

1 ning in the calendar year 2016. This cost reduction will be offset, pur-

2 suant to section 4(d) of the Statutory Pay-As-You-Go Act of 2010, with

3 a tax rate increase of 4.6% on households with annual income in excess

4 of $150,000 for single households and $250,000 for joint households

5 beginning in 2020.

6 (c) CITIZEN MAILING SAFETY ASSURANCE – Pursuant to

7 our increased security measures at local United States Post Office facil-

8 ities and in recognition of our vaunted Second Amendment Liberties,

9 all existing legislation RE: possession of firearms in federal facilities is

10 hereby amended to redact United States Post Office facilities and re-

11 lated infrastructure pursuant to the safe and effective delivery of our

12 vaunted citizenry’s mail and parcels from the list of federal facilities

13 with restricted firearm possession. This new freedom will be recog-

14 nized in December 2017. Additionally, Amendment (b) will be

15 redacted from PRATRiOD 2014.

16 (d) REACTION TO FUTURE CITIZEN MASSACRES AT

17 UNITED STATES POSTAL SERVICE FACILITIES– Pursuant to the

18 projected mutilations and mass deaths to take place at United States

19 Postal Service facilities throughout the United States, the Senate and

20 the House of Representatives, assembled in Congress, hereby recog-

21 nize October 11th as “National Thank Your Local Republican for Your

22 Dead Child Day”. This day will be marked with a waiving of the usual

23 postage stamp fee. Additionally, Amendment (b) is totally not

24 redacted.

25 (e) PAUL REVERE AND THE RAIDERS POST OFFICE

26 BUILDING MEMORIAL PLAQUETTE – Pursuant to the recognition

27 of the absolute realities of the United States political party system, a

28 plaquette will hereby be erected in the Paul Revere and the Raiders

29 Post Office Building. This plaquette shall read “Don’t Forget, Voting

30 Democrat is for Fags, Muslims, and Communists” and be posted at, or

31 within close proximity to, the Paul Revere and the Raiders Post Office

1 building voter registration amenities. The cost of said plaquette will be

2 offset, pursuant to section 4(d) of the Statutory Pay-As-You-Go Act of

3 2010, by the removal and sale of either House Minority Leader Mrs.

4 DeMONEÉ’s or House Minority Whip Mr. WILLIAMS’ left kidney.

5 Additionally, Amendment (b) from PRATRiOD 2014 is still totally

6 redacted.

7 (f) RELATING TO THE LINEAGE OF SPEAKER CARLIAR –

8 Let it be known that, as of the passing of this legislation, the United

9 States Senate and House of Representatives, as assembled in Congress,

10 hereby recognize that Speaker CARLIAR’s mother is so fat that she

11 dwarfs the budget deficit with her astounding rotundity. Let it also be

12 known, as of the passing of this legislation, the United States Senate

13 and House of Representatives, as assembled in Congress, hereby rec-

14 ognize that Speaker CARLIAR’s father is a drunk and a brute and to-

15 tally left because of the Speaker’s excessive bed-wetting well into his

16 youth.

17 (g) CENSURE ORDER – With the passing of this piece of legisla-

18 tion and signature of the President of these United States, the United

19 States House of Representatives will take action at the institution’s

20 soonest possible convenience to arrange a censure hearing for Rep.

21 MUDSLIG, who has been repeatedly told about bringing Speaker

22 CARLIAR’s mother into this and knows it is really not cool to do so.

23 Also, let it be known, as of the passing of this legislation, the United

24 States Senate and House of Representatives, as assembled in Congress,

25 hereby recognize that Speaker CARLIAR’s father volunteered bravely

26 in Korea and only partook in alcohol during social occasions that

27 called for such indulgence.

28 (h) THE GREAT HOUSE DEESCALATION AGREEMENT –

29 Pursuant to the good and effective governance of the United States and

30 her citizenry, Amendments (a) – (g) of PRATRiOD 2014, with the sig-

31 nature of the President of these United States, will be hereby redacted

1 and negated from this legislation. A small plaquette, commemorating

2 this agreement, will be posted in the lobby area of Paul Revere and the

3 Raiders Post Office, in close proximity to said office’s PO boxes. The

4 budgetary effects of this Amendment shall not be entered on either

5 PAYGO scorecard maintained pursuant to section 4(d) of the Statutory

6 Pay-As-You-Go Act of 2010.

7 (i) RECOGNITION OF Rep. McINQUIRE – Let it be known that,

8 as of the passing of this legislation, the United States Senate and House

9 of Representatives, as assembled in Congress, hereby recognize that

10 Rep. McINQUIRE is, like, the biggest Paul Revere and the Raiders fan

11 ever and would not be opposed to meeting any and/or all surviving

12 members of the group in-person.

Passed the House of Representatives April 15, 2014.

Attest:

Clerk

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