“The Paul Revere and the Raiders Post Office”
by Christopher Warman
113th Congress, 2D Session
IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES
Mr. BOOLSHITE (for himself, Mr. OTTER, Mrs. TOQUEN, Mr. DULIPS, and Mr. CO-
OTER) introduced the following bill; which was referred to the Committee on Over-
sight and Government Reform
To designate the facility of the United States Postal Service located at 101
California Avenue in Council, Idaho, as the ‘‘Paul Revere –subscript-
And the Raiders -end subscript- Post Office Building’’.
1 Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the
2 United States of America in Congress assembled,
1 SECTION 1. SHORT TITLE.
2 This Act may be cited as the “Paul Revere and the Raiders Post Of-
3 fice Designation Act of 2014 (PRATRiOD 2014)”.
4 SECTION 2. PAUL REVERE AND THE RAIDERS POST OF-
5 FICE BUILDING.
6 (a) DESIGNATION.—The facility of the United States Postal Ser-
7 vice located at 101 California Avenue in Council, Idaho, shall be
8 known and designated as the ‘‘Paul Revere -subscript- and the Raiders
9 -end subscript- Post Office Building’’.
10 (b) REFERENCES.—Any reference in a law, map, regulation, doc-
11 ument, paper, or other record of the United States to the facility re-
12 ferred to in subsection (a) shall be deemed to be a reference to the
13 ‘‘Paul Revere -subscript- and the Raiders -end subscript- Post Office
15 SECTION 3. AMENDMENTS TO THE ACT
16 (a) POST OFFICE SAFETY AND HOMELAND SECURITY AS-
17 SURANCE MEASURES – Pursuant to the protection of our vaunted
18 United States Postal Service works and the promotion of our Second
19 Amendment Liberties, all future post office offices, warehouses, vehi-
20 cles, and all other infrastructural assets owned by the United States
21 Postal Service, pursuant to the delivery and handling of our vaunted
22 citizens mail and parcels, shall be outfitted with mounted sentry gun
23 turrets, equipped with thermal and echolocation aiming adapters, as
24 seen on the Discovery Channel series Mythbusters. All post offices
25 will abide by these requirements by the end of the fiscal year 2017,
26 abiding that the budgetary effects of this Act shall not be entered on ei-
27 ther PAYGO scorecard maintained pursuant to section 4(d) of the
28 Statutory Pay-As-You-Go Act of 2010.
29 (b) POSTAGE ACCESSIBILITY ASSURANCES – Whereas there
30 is a growing need for access to regular mailery among the vaunted
31 United States citizenry, the cost of stamps will be lowered 2c, begin-
1 ning in the calendar year 2016. This cost reduction will be offset, pur-
2 suant to section 4(d) of the Statutory Pay-As-You-Go Act of 2010, with
3 a tax rate increase of 4.6% on households with annual income in excess
4 of $150,000 for single households and $250,000 for joint households
5 beginning in 2020.
6 (c) CITIZEN MAILING SAFETY ASSURANCE – Pursuant to
7 our increased security measures at local United States Post Office facil-
8 ities and in recognition of our vaunted Second Amendment Liberties,
9 all existing legislation RE: possession of firearms in federal facilities is
10 hereby amended to redact United States Post Office facilities and re-
11 lated infrastructure pursuant to the safe and effective delivery of our
12 vaunted citizenry’s mail and parcels from the list of federal facilities
13 with restricted firearm possession. This new freedom will be recog-
14 nized in December 2017. Additionally, Amendment (b) will be
15 redacted from PRATRiOD 2014.
16 (d) REACTION TO FUTURE CITIZEN MASSACRES AT
17 UNITED STATES POSTAL SERVICE FACILITIES– Pursuant to the
18 projected mutilations and mass deaths to take place at United States
19 Postal Service facilities throughout the United States, the Senate and
20 the House of Representatives, assembled in Congress, hereby recog-
21 nize October 11th as “National Thank Your Local Republican for Your
22 Dead Child Day”. This day will be marked with a waiving of the usual
23 postage stamp fee. Additionally, Amendment (b) is totally not
25 (e) PAUL REVERE AND THE RAIDERS POST OFFICE
26 BUILDING MEMORIAL PLAQUETTE – Pursuant to the recognition
27 of the absolute realities of the United States political party system, a
28 plaquette will hereby be erected in the Paul Revere and the Raiders
29 Post Office Building. This plaquette shall read “Don’t Forget, Voting
30 Democrat is for Fags, Muslims, and Communists” and be posted at, or
31 within close proximity to, the Paul Revere and the Raiders Post Office
1 building voter registration amenities. The cost of said plaquette will be
2 offset, pursuant to section 4(d) of the Statutory Pay-As-You-Go Act of
3 2010, by the removal and sale of either House Minority Leader Mrs.
4 DeMONEÉ’s or House Minority Whip Mr. WILLIAMS’ left kidney.
5 Additionally, Amendment (b) from PRATRiOD 2014 is still totally
7 (f) RELATING TO THE LINEAGE OF SPEAKER CARLIAR –
8 Let it be known that, as of the passing of this legislation, the United
9 States Senate and House of Representatives, as assembled in Congress,
10 hereby recognize that Speaker CARLIAR’s mother is so fat that she
11 dwarfs the budget deficit with her astounding rotundity. Let it also be
12 known, as of the passing of this legislation, the United States Senate
13 and House of Representatives, as assembled in Congress, hereby rec-
14 ognize that Speaker CARLIAR’s father is a drunk and a brute and to-
15 tally left because of the Speaker’s excessive bed-wetting well into his
17 (g) CENSURE ORDER – With the passing of this piece of legisla-
18 tion and signature of the President of these United States, the United
19 States House of Representatives will take action at the institution’s
20 soonest possible convenience to arrange a censure hearing for Rep.
21 MUDSLIG, who has been repeatedly told about bringing Speaker
22 CARLIAR’s mother into this and knows it is really not cool to do so.
23 Also, let it be known, as of the passing of this legislation, the United
24 States Senate and House of Representatives, as assembled in Congress,
25 hereby recognize that Speaker CARLIAR’s father volunteered bravely
26 in Korea and only partook in alcohol during social occasions that
27 called for such indulgence.
28 (h) THE GREAT HOUSE DEESCALATION AGREEMENT –
29 Pursuant to the good and effective governance of the United States and
30 her citizenry, Amendments (a) – (g) of PRATRiOD 2014, with the sig-
31 nature of the President of these United States, will be hereby redacted
1 and negated from this legislation. A small plaquette, commemorating
2 this agreement, will be posted in the lobby area of Paul Revere and the
3 Raiders Post Office, in close proximity to said office’s PO boxes. The
4 budgetary effects of this Amendment shall not be entered on either
5 PAYGO scorecard maintained pursuant to section 4(d) of the Statutory
6 Pay-As-You-Go Act of 2010.
7 (i) RECOGNITION OF Rep. McINQUIRE – Let it be known that,
8 as of the passing of this legislation, the United States Senate and House
9 of Representatives, as assembled in Congress, hereby recognize that
10 Rep. McINQUIRE is, like, the biggest Paul Revere and the Raiders fan
11 ever and would not be opposed to meeting any and/or all surviving
12 members of the group in-person.
Passed the House of Representatives April 15, 2014.