Archive for the ‘Heritage (Issue 7)’ Category

Smack-Talk Of The Town

Sunday, August 7th, 2011

“Call Of The Wild”

by Isa Hopkins, editor-at-large

 

Brooklyn’s Bushwick section is ground zero for the blossoming of a particular kind of hipster urbanism: the appropriation and transmogrification of Rust Belt grit into something hip enough for New York City, a defiant underground sensibility belied by skyrocketing rents and the threat of encroachment by the Park Slope stroller set.  Braden James lives in a the fourth floor of a brownstone walk-up.

 

“I was in Detroit last year,” says the tattooed law school dropout.  ”They’re doing so much there, it’s incredible.  I mean, I didn’t see much — we were just driving through — but, still, it was pretty cool.”

 

James grew up outside of Providence, Rhode Island, in what he calls “suburban hell.”  His live-in girlfriend and business partner, Isabella McClintock, hails from Seattle, another vanguard of the nascent food movement.  ”Seattle’s alright,” says McClintock, who met James at a Grizzly Bear concert three years ago when they were both ignoring the band with the same issue of The Believer.  “But, you know, Seattle, Detroit: they’re not New York.  It’s like nothing happens there even matters, right?”

 

James and McClintock have sought to bring the best of Seattle and Detroit into Bushwick, or at least onto their fire escape.  In Ohio last year, returning from their short visit to the Motor City, the couple purchased three heritage-breed turkeys, now being bred and raised out of their apartment in what they say is the next evolution of the urban food movement.

 

“Turkeys are native to New York City,” says McClintock.  ”They were here first.  Keeping these beautiful birds on farms upstate or in the Midwest is like putting Native Americans on a reservation: unconscionable.”

 

“You can define “local” really broadly,” says James, with elaborate scare quotes around the word.  ”Some people say, like, 100 miles is local.  What?  That’s not local.  The local trains don’t go 100 miles.  That’s just an excuse to keep the upstate small-farm cartels in business.”

 

“They’re vicious,” supplies McClintock, who cites as evidence the fact that they were denied a small-farm loan last year by the State of New York.  ”They’ve got everybody in Albany wrapped around their fingers,” says James.  ”It’s disgusting.”  (According to the state agriculture office, James and McClintock’s loan was denied because their operation “did not meet the definition of a farm”: “Three turkeys is not a farm,” spokesperson Susan Wojta told me.  ”They don’t even have any land for those birds!  Really, we should have called the ASPCA.”)

 

But the pair’s hyperlocal approach also has supporters.  When they tweeted that they would be slaughtering and selling one of the birds this Thanksgiving, responses poured in from all five boroughs.  There is currently a twelve-way bidding war to determine who will consume the Brooklyn bird, with a going price, as of this writing, of $7,700.

 

“That’ll just barely cover our feed and vet costs for the year,” says McClintock, who, like James, quit her last job to raise the birds full-time.  ”Braden’s parents got us for the rent, so we’ll be OK, but we’ve gotta get each bird to around 100k if we really want to make this work.”

 

“We’re looking at sub-varietals,” explains James.  ”Like, sure, a heritage breed is great — we raise Bourbon Reds — but by varying the feed we can create one-of-a-kind poultry experiences.  The first bird we slaughter was raised entirely on bacon and Jack Daniel’s.  We’ve got another one on microbrews and sourdough bread.  We’re still learning.  It’s a process.”

 

“An expensive process,” adds McClintock.

 

“Yeah,” says James, hands on his hips as the birds — kept on leashes — squawk against the window.  ”Farming is hard.”

Letters To The Editor

Sunday, August 7th, 2011

“Re: HOBO PANCAKES Seeks Submissions!”

 

HOMO Pancakes!

 

-Richard Wilmot

 

Sure, buddy!

 

Sincerely,

the editors

No Comment

Sunday, August 7th, 2011

“A Fairy Tale Stalker”
By Kelly Anneken

Riddle me this, readers.  Why do the Wikipedia disambiguation pages always fail to adequately disambiguate?  When I woke from my drunken stupor this morning to discover 999 missed calls from Isa, I remembered that I was supposed to write an essay about “heritage.”  So I flushed my phone down the toilet and hopped onto the internet, only to discover 39 separate things that “heritage” could be.  Which one is this issue about? Natural heritage?  Cultural heritage?  Heritage, the 1990 album by Earth, Wind, and Fire?  I was going to call Isa to find out, but, you know.  Toilet phone.

 

So, now that I’ve had a half-dozen slutty gin and tonics (that’s a gin and tonic without tonic), let’s talk about royal weddings.  There certainly have been a lot of those lately.  Prince William and that very skinny lady, Queen Anne’s daughter and that rugby dude, Prince Albert in a can and that South African swimming lady. 

This pisses me off.  Not only have I not been asked to marry a royal person since my recent McWidowhood, I have not even been invited to a single one of these weddings, probably because of my stupid common heritage.  How am I supposed to be clearly better than the rest of you peasants if I don’t marry a royal person?  If I don’t get invited to royal weddings, how am I supposed to catch the royal bouquet and marry the royal guy who catches the royal garter and fall in love during our cheesy post-throwing-wedding-paraphernalia dance to Seal’s “Kiss from a Rose?”

 

Having been raised on animated Disney documentaries, I know that the key to becoming royalty is being very polite and wearing dresses until some guy sees me and decides to marry me because I’m pretty and have agreed not to question the wisdom of rushing into a political marriage after just a few hours, even though I’m probably still deep in the throes of post-traumatic stress disorder due to the death/abuse of my parent/stepparent.  And I’ve been doing all that, but I recently discovered that America is not ruled by a monarchy, to which I was like, um, yeah, tell that to Princesses Malia and Sasha, sil vous plais.  Everybody knows that “president” is just the American English pronunciation of “king.”  Duh. 

 

I mean, come on!  I’d be a stellar addition to any royal family!  I’m mentally unstable, I’m not that attractive if you look at me really closely, and I love using taxpayer dollars to fund my lavish lifestyle!  I defy anyone to spend a half-hour with me and not conclude that I totally deserve absolute power by reason of divine right and porking some Highness or another.

 

Since I have yet to be invited to a single royal function and my demure ways have failed to snag a horse-riding Prince Charming, I’ve had to fall back on my old standby: stalking.  Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t think there’s anything more romantic than learning everything there is to know about a person and sending them dozens of loquacious love letters until he agrees to meet you in person, You’ve Got Mail-style.

 

I’ve set my sights on the young Kgosi Leruo Molotlegi, ruler of the Royal Bafokeng Nation.  He’s a great choice because he’s kind of weird-looking and no one has any idea what the Royal Bafokeng Nation is, so the competition shouldn’t be too fierce.  He has a degree in architecture and I just bought some Lincoln Logs, so we’ll totally have something to talk about after I climb in his window to surprise him next week.  His country’s totem animal is the crocodile, so I’ll definitely be packing my crocodile purse.  Royals love seeing their nation’s sacred animal symbol made into a stylish yet functional handbag, right?

 

Of course, when stalking royalty, it’s important to be flexible and have an open mind.  I do have a fallback plan: kidnap Thai princess/fashion designer Sirivannavari Nariratana and gay marry her in New York City.  Either way, you’re all invited to the wedding!  Don’t forget to RSVP!  The “p” stands for peasant.